


Robert's Embarassing Itch

by trustthefish



Series: The Things That Ail Us [1]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Attempt at Humor, Crack, Humour, Medical
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-06
Updated: 2014-10-06
Packaged: 2018-02-20 03:22:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2413136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trustthefish/pseuds/trustthefish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Robert Baratheon CEO of Baratheon Enterprises has an embarrassing itch, are we surprised?<br/>A ModernAU where Robert pays a visit to the doctor, because by seven it actually is quite painful and certainly not a laughing matter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Robert's Embarassing Itch

**Author's Note:**

> 2517 5971

**Robert**

 

A sleek black car with heavily tinted windows drove smoothly down the quiet street coming to a stop just ahead of an alley. The rear passenger door opened and revealed a large black haired man, he would’ve been described as solidly built in his youth, but now in his forties he had an oversupply of chins ineffectively hidden by a thick beard and a waistline protesting against its restraints.

“Thanks Selmy, best not stay round these parts too long, it’ll be at least an hour so take lunch and I’ll call you when I’m done” Robert said as he exited the car.

“Very good sir” came the obligatory reply; Barristan Selmy was the Chief of Security at Baratheon Enterprises and one of the few members of staff without direct ties to the Lannisters and therefore one of the few people who could be trusted to be discreet when dealing with Robert’s _indiscretions._ It did not mean he appreciated being used as a glorified chauffeur but he had his responsibilities to the company and so he performed his duty, without complaint.

 

Robert hurried down the alley, ducking into a small entrance, there was a plain door with no handle, perfectly unremarkable to those without the knowledge of the small intercom hidden by a peeling poster. Pressing the intercom Robert spoke as softly as his booming voice could muster “RB for 12:15”.

There was no reply but the buzz of an unlocked door, he entered without hesitation.

 

The room he came into was stylish but furnished with a minimalist flair, to the side was a desk and a young secretary tapping away at the computer.

_A bit skinny, but a pretty thing nonetheless_

Robert leered, starting to walk over she looked up at him and smiled sweetly.

“The doctor will see you shortly sir, if you wouldn’t mind taking a seat” she indicated the no-doubt ergonomic chairs in the middle of the room.

Robert huffed and turned to the chairs.

_Foiled again_

The young woman shot him a glare and shuddered as he sat down facing away, his reputation preceded him.

 

 

Sitting down gingerly Robert gave his crotch a scratch and rearranged his cock, grateful that there was no one else in the waiting room and the chairs faced away from the pretty young secretary. He’d suffered angrily for the past few days with the painful itch and discomfort only to find his dick leaking a whitish pus and the beginnings of some inflamed sores.  That had been enough for Robert to seek medical attention, naturally dr google was the first consultant.

A clumsy misclick had left him scarred with images he never needed to see again, he crossed his legs protectively just at the thought.

 

There was buzzing from his coat pocket, Lancel was calling, again.

_That boy does not give up_

Lancel was his personal assistant forced upon him by Cersei, he was blonde, beautiful and a bundle of nerves unable to speak properly in Robert’s presence. Furthermore he was a Lannister and undoubtedly reporting every move back to Cersei and her tyrant of a father, who disapproved of everyone and everything, especially Robert.

Though his phone calls were pestering, Robert felt thankful that the boy was such a dozy git he’d gotten out of the Red Keep unseen, he couldn’t have done it with a sharper watchman.

 

“If you’d like to go through sir?” the secretary called out.

There was no one else in the room, so Robert got up nodded his thanks and ambled to the doctor’s office.

_Deep breaths, tell him quickly and he’ll treat you quickly, they’re just sores, they’ll heal._

Though he’d never admit it, Robert was scared.

 

The office was much like the waiting room, stylish but sparse, no personal touches or personality.

A serious looking spectacled man sat behind the desk, his light brown hair closely cropped though with some glee Robert could see the signs of a soon to be present bald patch at the crown of his head.

“If you’d like to take a seat Mr Brown” the doctor rose, but did not proffer his hand to shake, instead directing Robert to another uncomfortable looking chair opposite.

_Probably best anyway, knowing where that hand has had to go._

“So what has brought you in today, Mr Brown? Or would you prefer Robert?” the doctor asked.

 

As CEO of Baratheon Enterprises it wouldn’t do to have rumours of his embarrassing condition circulating throughout the press, it didn’t matter that he controlled most the media it was another in a long line of scandals that really he could do without.  So naturally he had not come to this very specialist and very private clinic under his own name, no doubt they knew who he was regardless, but for the sake of anyone following a paper trail it would be Robert Brown with the embarrassing itch not Baratheon.

 

“I have an itch” Robert began, the doctor nodded politely, “on my penis”.

The doctor made a note on his computer, then looked back to Robert clearly waiting for him to proceed.

“It… I… No, I’m…” he struggled to continue.

Robert was not normally a person to be easily intimidated, nor was he used to these feelings of embarrassment and shame, he buried those deep beneath his anger and boisterous personality. So today when he found his mouth dry and an uncomfortable heat climbing his neck as his mind contended with the possibility that this itch could actually be something _serious_ , Robert had considerable trouble trying to remember how to talk.

_Oh for the love of seven just get a grip!_

“ItbeganafewdaysagoafterIhadsexwithoutacondomandit’sleakedgrossstuffandnowthere’ssoresandithurts” he took a breath “quite a bit actually”.

“Oh” replied the doctor, nudging his glasses back up his nose redundantly “could you tell me a little bit more about that?”

Robert’s shoulders slumped, some part of him had hoped that was all he needed to say.

“I’m just… I’m just worried it could be something serious, I’ve had herpes once before, years and years ago, but this pus stuff, it’s…it’s…  I need to know what it is.”

“There are just a few questions I need to ask you, Robert, does it hurt all the time? Could you describe the pain?”

Robert stared back at the doctor resigned.

“Yes it hurts all the time and it’s just a pain, painful pain” he gestured pointlessly with his hands “mostly where the sores are”

“Does it hurt when you urinate? Or have noticed any changes in your ability to pee?”

“No and no”

“What colour is the pus?”

“It’s a sort of yellow-ish white” Robert made a face, that stuff should _not_ be coming out of his dick.

“Have you had any pain elsewhere or noticed any other changes?”

He shook his head.

“Now I need to ask this question, but your sexual partner or partners, what gender are they?”

“Female.” Robert stared for a moment unsure whether to take offence at the question “Ye gods man, what kind of man do you take me for?  I’m no pansy.  And I’m married!  But she was a woman, I’m sure of that and-“

“Yes, thank-you Mr Brown” said the doctor forcefully “it was a question I had to ask, but there are more questions.”

“Have you tried any pain relief or other medication already? Or have you had sexual intercourse since then, with or without a condom?”

“I took a couple of panadol” _washed down with a couple of beers_ “and no”.

“Have you had a fever at all?”

“No” Robert sighed, this was all moving so very slowly.

 

The doctor nodded to the computer and stood up getting some gloves, looking at Robert carefully he finally spoke, “I’ll need to examine the affected area, so if you would stand by the examination table and remove your trousers.”

Robert got up and sighed, complying with the doctors instructions with resignation, but also relief; doing, even if it was just standing was better than talking. He looked away as the doctor poked and prodded and tried to ignore the will to flinch as one of sores was swabbed, no doubt for testing.

 

As Robert got dressed he watched the doctor wash his hands carefully, he didn’t both hiding his look of almost fascinated disgust.

_All the places those hands go…_

“So Mr Brown, I intend to send these two samples off for testing to confirm what I already suspect- ” he paused.

Robert couldn't help but think that this dramatic pause was wholly unnecessary.

“- you have gonorrhoea and genital herpes”

“OH! So nothing to worry then?  Easily fixed eh?” Robert clapped the doctor on the back roughly, knocking the smaller man’s glasses.  He chuckled with relief “Had me worried there, heh, could’ve been something serious, but if it’s only herpes that’ll fix.  Just some cream and a few pills, right?”

“Well not quite, I’d still like to also take urine sample, this and one of the swabs are to confirm gonorrhoea and to also check for chlamydia, the other swab is from the sores to confirm herpes and I would also recommend a blood test for syphilis, hepatitis and HIV/AIDS”

Robert furrowed his brow, his elation at a simple quick fix solution dashed “But, you said-“

“I told you what I suspect the problem to be” the doctor interrupted “and I can treat you for those both today, I think it’ll be necessary to treat you for chlamydia too as a precaution, we’ll also need to contact trace your sexual partners of the past six months as they may also be infected”

Robert nodded obediently, keeping his face as serious as he could, there was absolutely no way he would be going through his sexual partners of the past six months with this man, _even if I could remember them all._

“So, we have a pharmacy here, I’ll go get some of those medications and if you would give this urine sample, just the first 20-30ml, about a tablespoon. You haven’t urinated in the past hour have you Mr Brown?”

“No, no I haven’t” Robert was distracted, still trying to think of a way to get out of the contact tracing, he’ll have to tell Cersei to get checked, surely that was bad enough already.  It’s not as though he even has the contact details of any of the others.  And he _did_ use a condom most of the time.

 

In the bathroom Robert had a moment of inspiration, he called Selmy and told him to get to the street in 10mins, then he set an alarm on and took his phone off silent. Readjusting his suit jacket in the mirror Robert smiled to himself conspiratorially, enough time to get his meds and leave, no embarrassing contact tracing for him.

 

“So Mr Brown, are you currently on any other medications? Or vitamins? Any allergies?”

Robert shook his head to all, in truth he was meant to be taking something for his sugar or maybe it was his heart, but he was sure it was nothing important, he hardly remembered to take any of them anyway.

“Okay, well this is a box of two 500mg azithromycin tablets, take both at once just before or after lunch today. This is a tube of betadine, apply this to the sores and try to avoid scratching, they should heal within a few days.  If they don’t or if they get worse it’s important you come back.  And you will need to keep an eye out in the future as they probably will come back sooner or later”

Robert scowled at his crotch, he sincerely hoped it would be later rather than sooner.

“And this” the doctor said brandishing a needle “is for the gonorrhoea, if you would remove you jacket and roll up your sleeve Mr Brown.”

As Robert complied the doctor continued to explain the medications, _take the pills before lunch, apply the stuff to the sores and something about ceftriaxone dissolved in some kind of cane in the needle. It was not important._

 

The doctor was just disposing of the needle when the phone startled to buzz and jingle.

_YES!_

“I’m so sorry doctor, I must get this” Robert said in his most dismissive yet professional tone. “Oh really?  Really?..  I see, no I understand, of course, the highest level of-yes…I’m on my way” he made a show of ‘ending the call’.  “I do thank you doctor, and yes the contact tracing, I’ll let those who need to know know.  Apologies for rushing out on you like this”

And with a flourish of his coat and jacket Robert marched smartly out of the room, he winked at the secretary as he passed her. He walked importantly through the alley and slid with practiced ease into the back of the car, landing with an oomph that Selmy could feel.

“Drive on to my house Selmy, I don’t think I need to work this afternoon after a morning like that and I’ve promised the evening to Cersei and the kids for a family dinner. I’ll _need_ the entire afternoon to prepare for something like that.” Robert said high voice still joyful and face still glad from the successful deception he’d achieved.

 

~~~

“Will he be needing another appointment doctor?”

“No, I suspect not, at least not until he catches something else, Martha” replied the doctor with an annoyed resignation. “Send these off to pathology anyway, perhaps we’ll have to call him back regardless”. A doctor for those rich enough to afford extra levels of discretion but often with little concern for others, a slightly evil part of him couldn’t help but hope that Robert Baratheon’s indiscretions  would become known and he might suffer the public shaming some said he deserved.  The media were hacking into all kinds of records these days…

-But no, it was not worth the risk to his practise nor the damage to his income. It would have to be someone else to expose the truth behind the Baratheon CEO and his utter lack of concern for the health of others.  It was with a small self-satisfied smile that the doctor acknowledged there was likely no shortage of candidates.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please note: whilst efforts have been made to ensure the accuracy of elements of this piece, it is fanfic and hence is not necessarily a true or valid representation of actual medical advice or procedures, i.e. when sick see your doctor


End file.
